So much has happened. Here's the story, minus a few details.

I don't even know where to begin. Lol. I don't really want to get into the whole Brenton thing. Let me just skip to last Sunday.
I had been dating Brenton for a little over a week. I could already tell things weren't going to last. He never had time for me. We never talked, and he could never come see me. It was becoming too much.
But of course, it would only get more stressful. Because here comes one of my best friends, telling me that he thinks we should be together. I'd been giving him advice on asking a different girl out for a month...and through all that talking we'd done, I guess he started to realize he wanted a girl like me. He picked a PERFECT time to tell me this. (Not.) So, on top of the stress I already had in my relationship...I now had a guy that I'd been semi-interested in for quite some time telling me that he wanted to be with me. I told him that my relationship might not work out...and we agreed that we should just start hanging out more as friends, to see if there's any connection between us.
Over the next few days, we got closer and closer....and Brenton kept drifting away. Finally, Wednesday night...I ended it. It was quick and painless, and I shifted my focus. Here's the good part, I promise.
So, he and I went to the CCHS band concert together on Friday night. We had decided that it was sort of a date. After leaving the concert, he asked me to tag along with him to run some errands, so I did. We went to Lowe's, Best Buy (we were there for a good 45 minutes, because he was geeking out) and then Walmart...where we ran into my ex. Lol. Good thing all three of us are friends, otherwise that would have been awkward. But yeah...after we left Walmart, he took me back to the PAC to get my car and go home. But we ended up sitting in his car for nearly four hours just talking about anything and everything, listening to classical band music. At one point, we ended up holding hands...still not sure how that happened. But then a bit later, we somehow got on the subject of relationships, specifically the infamous friend-zone. He complained that girls always saw him as the friend type...I immediately started ranting on about how girls get friend-zoned too, and how all these guys who complain about being forever alone always go after the supermodel type, when there are girls that are interested in them, who are nice girls and are good people, and shouldn't that be all that matters? --- He cut me off there, by putting his hand on my leg. I stopped abruptly and said, "But...you get what I'm saying." He said, "I can tell you're speaking from experience." After that, he got really nervous. I then realized that the whole time I was talking, he was relating everything I said to the situation we were in. We talked for a few more minutes, then he nervously said, "Do...do you want to come over here?" I said yes, and crawled over to his side of the car, where we hugged literally for five minutes. He was shaking out of nervousness. It was adorable, let me tell you. I think we both knew that if we pulled away from the hug, that a kiss was inevitable...and we were both nervous about that. But it was so. I pulled away from the hug, and we kissed. And after a while, our glasses began hitting each other...which was also adorable. And then we just laid there in his car...he kept saying he was confused. He still didn't know what he wanted. I felt bad, because I had never been more sure. I drove home that night with my music as loud as it would go, just singing at the top of my lungs because I needed to let all the excitement and happiness out.
The next day, I went to his house. We just sat in his room and watched youtube videos...band related, of course. Then we just laid in his bed and cuddled and kissed some more, and just had a wonderful day together. We actually lost track of time...and he was late for band rehearsal.
That night, the band performed at the Christmas parade. I stalked them, as always...and hung out with them afterwards at the bandhall. Long story short...a couple people saw us kiss at the end of the night.
Later that night though, we talked about it some more. I was getting way too impatient...I wanted him to make his decision. I just felt like it was so obvious. I finally convinced him that it was worth a shot...and that if we'd come this far, why stop now? And then it was facebook official. That's big-time shit.
And now, here we are. I'm so happy. If you had told me three or four years ago that I would be with Sean Miller, I wouldn't have believed you. But it's a reality now, and I couldn't be happier. (:


(Note: Some details were spared. Results may vary. Lol.)

My entire life was basically decided by my mother.

I don't mean this in the stereotypical angry teenager way that you're probably expecting. I've often wondered what would have happened if I had started kindergarten a year later. My entire life I've been one of the youngest in my class. I started kindergarten on my fifth birthday, (no, I didn't go to pre-K), and I graduated at age 17. I'm technically within the age group of the current seniors in high school. I'd be one of the older ones, but yeah.

When I think about this though...it amazes me. If I had started school a year later...I'd have a completely different group of friends than I do now. Things would have been totally and completely different, from day one. I would have never met my best friends. Hanna. Dalton. Kelsey. Shelbi. Well...perhaps I still would have met Shelbi. I'd like to think that I would have still been in band if I had started school a year later.

And this brings me back to my current predicament. So many people view grade level as "age." I bet he wouldn't think I was so old if I was a senior this year. Just because I graduated doesn't make me 19. I won't be 19 until next August. No matter what our grade level is, we will always be 2 years, 2 months apart in age. But I digress.

I cannot even begin to imagine my life without all the people that I've interacted with in the last 13 years. The only people that would still be in my life would be the band kids...I would hope. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this.

I have way too many "what ifs" in my head all the time. It's sorta unhealthy.

Then again...what if things would have been better off? If I had never met Dalton, maybe I'd actually have a healthy relationship life, and my morals wouldn't be so fucked up. I don't want to imagine my life without him though. He's my best friend...as fucked up as it is.

And...oh no. I don't even want to imagine my life without Hanna. I love that girl more than I love myself sometimes.

Sure, if I hadn't met all those people, I'd probably have other people in my life that filled those holes...because technically those holes would never even be there.

I'm depressing and confusing myself now. And I'm probably not making any sense. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

My point is...my mother pretty much unknowingly decided how my entire life would play out, just by putting me in school a bit early. Thank you, mother. Or...fuck you. Depending on which scenario would have worked out better.

Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster...

I've gotten to the age where I shouldn't give a fuck about what people think anymore. What is keeping me from going after what I want? Why am I still so concerned about what people will think of me? I'm not in high school anymore. I should be past all that drama and bullshit. I want to do what will make me happy. I know that if I decide to pursue this, and I succeed, people WILL say things about me...but why does this bother me in the least? If I already accept that as an inevitability, I shouldn't be concerned about the outcome.
I have liked this boy for an entire year and some change. He has liked me for the same amount of time. Society has kept us apart for whatever reason. It's like...forbidden love. I only wish this were a fairy tale, and that a happy ending was in order. I just cannot control my endless attraction to this boy. He tells me he loves me, and he's just the sweetest thing. I want to try to have a relationship with him...to see where it goes. I simply cannot help thinking about all of our mutual friends that wouldn't accept it. Because I'm sure that 90% of them will make some sort of snide remark.
Not to mention, I don't even know if he wants a relationship right now. He's told me that once before...I don't know how he feels about it now.
I just can't help but wonder, what if...?
What if things would finally feel right?
And even if they didn't...at least I could lift this weight off of my shoulders.
(No one even knows who this is about. Not one single person. That is so extremely unusual for me. I'm an open fucking book.)

I probably shouldn't even be talking about this.

Have you ever been so scared that you didn't even know what to do with yourself? Maybe I'm paranoid, but don't I have every right to be? Every girl in the world worries about this. Why did he think I was so weird for being cautious? I just can't wait to find out for sure. Get this weight lifted off my shoulders...or start to take action against it. I will be the most hated person in Bastrop if this ends up taking a turn for the worst. But I don't care. My views have been made obvious in the past...it should be no surprise to anyone. I should have just stood up for myself in the first place and done what I had originally planned to do. Because I can't handle the stress of having to worry about this. I just need to know for sure. Very soon. Otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Every day, it's all I think about. I'm going insane. I need to start talking about this with my friends, though. I've never kept anything to myself for this long. I need input, feedback, advice. So if anyone is reading this...and you are willing to listen to me rant about things you may not agree with...please contact me. I desperately need it.

You probably have made a pretty good guess as to what this is about. Just please...someone help me.

What's the worst that I could say? Things are better if I stay.

I'm on the verge of tears, at this very moment.

What did I ever do to anyone? I try my hardest to be a nice person. I try my hardest to be a good friend to everyone. But all I'm ever able to do is offend people. I can't control what my sense of humor is like. People used to love my crude humor and rantings. What happened? All of a sudden I'm nothing but an asshole...

I always feel like I'm not able to be myself. Like I always have to watch what I say, and that if I say the wrong thing, everyone will hate me. I miss the days when I could just be myself and that was good enough. Why is it that all of a sudden everything I say is out of line? I can't make a joke anymore without someone jumping on me about it. I can't even share my opinions without there being a huge controversy.

I just want to be able to talk and joke with people like I used to. It was the best part of my life, having friends who I could share my thoughts, opinions, and sick jokes with. But now...it's like they're all too good for me.

I partially blame it on this fucking small town. Being stuck in this small town is like being in a glass case at a museum. Everyone is constantly judging everyone else, and there are no secrets.

I'm sick of being judged. It seems like school started this year, and all of a sudden I was an untouchable. Just because I'm not in school and I'm having trouble getting a job doesn't make me a bad person. It's like all these high school kids think that I'm a failure or something...that's the way they're treating me. I'm so sick of being treated this way. Every time I share my opinion or thoughts with someone, I'm kicked to the curb and ignored...or criticized until there's a pit in my stomach.

I'm sure if anyone reads this, they'll tell me I need to change. Fuck you. I like myself, and I don't want to change. They say you have to like yourself before others can like you. Well, I do like myself. So what the fuck is wrong with you?

The unthinkable nightmare...never forget 9/4/11

Complete devastation. Disaster of biblical proportions. So much change in just a matter of hours. The days to come are a mystery. Homeless. A word that normally has little meaning. But now it is a reality. Flames took everything. Burned entire lives. No one deserves this horrid nightmare. Utter chaos. Fear, uncertainty, panic. And we can't even return...not that we really are looking forward to doing so.
My thoughts make no sense, because none of this makes any sense. How is it even possible that so many fires sprung up in so many places on a single day? If there's a God, and this is him trying to play some sick joke..it's not funny. But I'm pretty sure I already know that's not the case.
If there's anyone playing a sick joke, it's some sick twisted person who may have had something to do with all this.
My emotions are running wild...I can't even begin to fathom anything right now. I'm waiting to wake up, safe and sound in my own bed...knowing that this was all just a horrible nightmare.
All I have to my name is the clothes on my back, one pair of pajamas, and a few toiletries. I'm thankful that I had been spending the night at my stepdad's the night before...because if I hadn't been...I wouldn't even have that.
My eyes burn from the smoke in the air...I have a horrid headache from crying all day. I cannot even imagine what tomorrow holds. I feel as if this day will never end.
I go to sleep now, with high hopes of waking in my own bed in the morning...but I'm sure reality will set in soon enough.

Things are changing...more quickly than I'd like

Well, still no luck on the job search. But other areas of my life are changing very quickly.
I've gone 18 years with almost no affection from the opposite sex...(well, or the same sex.) And now, all of a sudden...there are multiple people who are just showing interest out of nowhere.
One in particular has me perplexed. I have known this person for multiple years...but before all this started, I've barely said two words to them. Now all of a sudden, they're informing me that they are attracted to me. Which I find odd, because this person usually hangs around people who are far more attractive than myself. My first thought is that this person is being immature, and is leading me on for no apparent reason. My more likely theory is that this person has lowered their standards immensely in an effort to "get laid." Either way...I'm just so uneasy about the whole situation. I don't know what to think, or what to do.
I'm over-analyzing the situation, of course. I'm a woman...that's what we do.
But I still feel so awkward...like this isn't real. Like I don't deserve anything like this, even though it's not what you're thinking, anyway.


Over-analyzing,
Self-conscious,
Inconclusive,
Indecisive,
Confused.