My entire life was basically decided by my mother.

I don't mean this in the stereotypical angry teenager way that you're probably expecting. I've often wondered what would have happened if I had started kindergarten a year later. My entire life I've been one of the youngest in my class. I started kindergarten on my fifth birthday, (no, I didn't go to pre-K), and I graduated at age 17. I'm technically within the age group of the current seniors in high school. I'd be one of the older ones, but yeah.

When I think about this though...it amazes me. If I had started school a year later...I'd have a completely different group of friends than I do now. Things would have been totally and completely different, from day one. I would have never met my best friends. Hanna. Dalton. Kelsey. Shelbi. Well...perhaps I still would have met Shelbi. I'd like to think that I would have still been in band if I had started school a year later.

And this brings me back to my current predicament. So many people view grade level as "age." I bet he wouldn't think I was so old if I was a senior this year. Just because I graduated doesn't make me 19. I won't be 19 until next August. No matter what our grade level is, we will always be 2 years, 2 months apart in age. But I digress.

I cannot even begin to imagine my life without all the people that I've interacted with in the last 13 years. The only people that would still be in my life would be the band kids...I would hope. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this.

I have way too many "what ifs" in my head all the time. It's sorta unhealthy.

Then again...what if things would have been better off? If I had never met Dalton, maybe I'd actually have a healthy relationship life, and my morals wouldn't be so fucked up. I don't want to imagine my life without him though. He's my best friend...as fucked up as it is.

And...oh no. I don't even want to imagine my life without Hanna. I love that girl more than I love myself sometimes.

Sure, if I hadn't met all those people, I'd probably have other people in my life that filled those holes...because technically those holes would never even be there.

I'm depressing and confusing myself now. And I'm probably not making any sense. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

My point is...my mother pretty much unknowingly decided how my entire life would play out, just by putting me in school a bit early. Thank you, mother. Or...fuck you. Depending on which scenario would have worked out better.

Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster...

I've gotten to the age where I shouldn't give a fuck about what people think anymore. What is keeping me from going after what I want? Why am I still so concerned about what people will think of me? I'm not in high school anymore. I should be past all that drama and bullshit. I want to do what will make me happy. I know that if I decide to pursue this, and I succeed, people WILL say things about me...but why does this bother me in the least? If I already accept that as an inevitability, I shouldn't be concerned about the outcome.
I have liked this boy for an entire year and some change. He has liked me for the same amount of time. Society has kept us apart for whatever reason. It's like...forbidden love. I only wish this were a fairy tale, and that a happy ending was in order. I just cannot control my endless attraction to this boy. He tells me he loves me, and he's just the sweetest thing. I want to try to have a relationship with him...to see where it goes. I simply cannot help thinking about all of our mutual friends that wouldn't accept it. Because I'm sure that 90% of them will make some sort of snide remark.
Not to mention, I don't even know if he wants a relationship right now. He's told me that once before...I don't know how he feels about it now.
I just can't help but wonder, what if...?
What if things would finally feel right?
And even if they didn't...at least I could lift this weight off of my shoulders.
(No one even knows who this is about. Not one single person. That is so extremely unusual for me. I'm an open fucking book.)

I probably shouldn't even be talking about this.

Have you ever been so scared that you didn't even know what to do with yourself? Maybe I'm paranoid, but don't I have every right to be? Every girl in the world worries about this. Why did he think I was so weird for being cautious? I just can't wait to find out for sure. Get this weight lifted off my shoulders...or start to take action against it. I will be the most hated person in Bastrop if this ends up taking a turn for the worst. But I don't care. My views have been made obvious in the past...it should be no surprise to anyone. I should have just stood up for myself in the first place and done what I had originally planned to do. Because I can't handle the stress of having to worry about this. I just need to know for sure. Very soon. Otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Every day, it's all I think about. I'm going insane. I need to start talking about this with my friends, though. I've never kept anything to myself for this long. I need input, feedback, advice. So if anyone is reading this...and you are willing to listen to me rant about things you may not agree with...please contact me. I desperately need it.

You probably have made a pretty good guess as to what this is about. Just please...someone help me.