I keep doing this, and I don't know why.

Well, here I am. Drunk again. I guess this is my way of escaping. I do hope I don't grow up to be an alcoholic. I have a family history of that...and it doesn't suit my personality. I believe I would be better suited to be straight edge. I'm so blunt, brutal, and witty..naturally. One would think I would stay in my natural state.

This state of existence is getting really old. I'm going to call HEB tomorrow to see if I got the job. I really hope I did...because I'm getting way too close to rock bottom.

Someone I haven't talked to in years talked to me today. (It was weird because I was never that close to him anyway.) It was just so odd to me to think that I cross people's minds that I never see or talk to. I know I always think about the most random people..but I always think, "I'm such a freak for thinking about this person...they never think about me." But apparently some people who I would least expect...do in fact think about me. And that's pretty fucking awesome. I'm probably gonna go hang out with him this weekend...because he asked me to. So that's something to look forward to. (:

I'm pretty chill right now...needless to say. I apologize that this blog isn't as deep, metaphorical, and flowy as the other ones. Like I said...I've been drinking. But yeah. I guess I'm still in almost the same place I've been in since I started this thing...really hoping to get a job soon.

I'll keep ya posted...more poetically, I hope.

Oh vodka...you so silly.

I don't give a fuck,

Cos I'm drunk,

As a skunk.

Taking control...because what other choice do I have?

Everyone is taking a step tomorrow. A new year in school, first time in college. I have to take a step tomorrow as well. I can't get left behind. Tomorrow will be the day that I really do get a job. Get a purpose in life. Get a reason to get up in the morning. Get a taste of freedom.
This is where it has to begin for me. I have wasted opportunities in the past. I cannot afford to waste any more. I'm going to start making money, save up for the things I need, and make something of myself.
Most importantly, I need to stay educated. I need to read more books, and study to retake my SATs. I need to stay up-to-date with the world. I'm a productive member of society now and I can't just live in my own little world where nothing matters. Otherwise I'm not fulfilling the aforementioned productivity. I'm probably holding myself to a higher standard than necessary...but it's the only way that I can make myself feel like I'm worth something.
I just hope I can live up to my own expectations. No one is better at disappointing you than yourself.


High expectations,
Low motivation,
So much hope.

When you go, just know that I will remember you.

Watching others' lives go by is not a pretty sight. The friends I've held dear to my heart are moving on, right before my eyes. The selfish part of me wants them not to go...it wants them to stay here with me. Things were just starting to get good...


Now, I'm sitting at a crossroads, with roadblocks all around, while everyone else seems to have a clear pathway. This isn't the worst situation to be in...but everything is just too still. All this time, constant motion. Then suddenly, a screeching halt. New doors should be opening, but here I sit in this room, with no immediate hopes of getting out.

Windows and doors are out of reach.

Does everything truly happen for a reason? Was I somehow meant to be left behind? Every part of me hopes that isn't true. I have so many hopes and dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. So many adventures that have yet to be had.

Oftentimes, I try to blame others for my misfortune, but most of the things that are happening are all my fault. Things could have been different, had I been more determined. Things could have been different, had I realized what I would be missing. Things could have been different, if I had even wanted them to be.

Irrational fear of change,

Longing for excitement,

Lack of determination,

Conflicting emotions,

Procrastination, & a

One-track mind.